As a people west of the Rockies, we are accustomed to having Mexican fooderies. We are accustomed to salsas and guacamole on demand. We’ve come to take it for granted (until the tariffs start – Ed.).

Luckily, there is one of us in the marriage with not just the desire, but the know-how to produce such luxuries in far-off lands. And she requires such luxuries.

So here is our basic Guacamole recipe. It has been tested in many conditions, countries, and states of sobriety. Remember: it is a basic Guac. You can add whatever you want. Alfredo? Probably shouldn’t, but let us know if it’s any good. Hummus? Doubt it, but once again, let us know. Pine nuts? Hell, go for it cowboy.

GUACAMOLE – ingredients:

Avocado – Pick a good one. This is the base. Soft, but not too soft. Firm, but not too firm. Like a spouse. Flick the nib at the top (the bit that used to connect to the tree). If you can flick that nib and the revealed nip is green, you got it.

Tomato – one full size, or two-three grape tomatoes. Cherry tomatoes? Sure. We just found Strawberry Tomatoes here in NZ. Don’t know what the hell they are.

Red Onion – About 1/4 of a small onion. If that seems displeasing, use more. Jesus. You’re making it.

Lime – 1 for juicing.

Spices – one Tablespoon of a homemade spice mix, consisting of the following in equal parts plus 1/4 teaspoon of salt:

• Pepper
• Smoked paprika
• Cumin
• Garlic powder (Granules are better than powder if you got ’em. Otherwise…use what you got)

I just throw a healthy dose of each of these things into a jar, shake them up and use as a mix for most daily creations.

Fresh Cilantro – Chop chop chop it up. Use enough, maybe 1/2 cup to 1 cup. Our best scientists have tried, but not found, a ceiling at which cilantro stops being good. So if in doubt, use more.

GUACOMOLE – Instructions:

Slice the avo in half. Then peel and heave its flesh into a bowl. Smash it like a tinder date. You can use a fork (decent) or potato masher (best).

Dice that onion. However small you like, but I prefer a fine dice. If you’re feeling really it that day, brunoise that shit. Brunoise? What’s that? Look at directions: brunoise. Or just dice it. Throw it in the bowl.

Slice your citrus. Juice into the smashocado. Dice those toms and get ’em all up in there. Take your cilantro and pluck the leaves from the stems. When you have a nice pile (like a handful or so), gently roll it into a little cigar shape, and chop chop chop. Don’t abuse the poor leaves please (Or do, your choice – Ed.).  Add spice mix and swirl it up together until combined.

Then eat it all. If you must store it (inferior), toss the avocado pit in the bowl, and cover with saran wrap to prevent your green gold from browning.

And there you have it.